Jesus Choked for Your Sins

Another very original posting from She's2Crafty, just in time for Lent!

The issue of anger against Jews for the crucifixion of Christ first came to my attention during the hysteria induced by Mel Gibson’s The Passion. Apparently some Christians resent the Jews for crucifying Christ.

I am not a religious person, so at first I figured there must be something I was missing here. I’m not privy to the thought processes and suspension of logic that can lead masses of people to believe claims such as the earth’s creation in six days, or how an omniscient being could be oblivious to the effect of reverse psychology on His own creation—everything in this garden is yours for the taking, except the apples. You two have fun now!

Still, after careful consideration, I could come to no other conclusion than this: These particular Christians had no understanding of the definition of the word “martyr.” Martyrs die tragic and dramatic deaths. It’s in the job description. Consider MLK, Gandhi, Tupac. I mean, would Jesus’ sacrifice really carry the same punch if he had passed peacefully in his sleep, at a ripe old age, after years of successful carpentry? Consider the obituary:

Jesus of Nazareth, 72
Jesus of Nazareth, carpenter and self-proclaimed son of God, passed away peacefully in his sleep last Wednesday after a heavy meal. He will missed for his ability to raise the dead and feed multitudes of people on only two fish. He is survived by his followers, who are requesting the immediate conversion of all remaining idolaters in lieu of flowers.
As he is risen and cannot be located, a memorial service without burial will be held at Temple Sinai Monday at 4:00 p.m.

Or worse yet, what if instead of a peaceful passing, he had suffered some random, meaningless accident? Say, death by chicken salad sandwich, a la Mama Cass?

Area Man Loses Lunch, Life
Up and coming carpenter and self-proclaimed son of God, Jesus of Nazareth, is dead at the age of 31 after choking on a chicken salad sandwich. The community, while stunned, is offering its support to a shaken Mary Magdalene, who blames her choice of whole cashews over cashew pieces for the tragic lunchtime incident. A preliminary investigation has found the death to be accidental.

It simply doesn’t work. Generations of mothers would have no other choice than to inflict guilt upon their offspring with such phrases as “Jesus choked for your sins! Now sit up straight and eat your lunch.” Not exactly inspiring.

And think of the religious relics and symbols that would result. Instead of tiny slivers of the cross, would Christians seek the unfinished crust of the offending meal? Gold-plated sandwiches with a strategically placed cubic zirconia representing the errant nut would replace the crucifix on walls all over the world.

All things considered, we need to cut the Jews some slack on this one. They are the Chosen People after all, and everyone knows that means they get stuck with the shit work. Think about it. Enslavement. Forty years wandering through the desert. Those little hats that never want to stay on and end up attached to the skull with those undignified barrettes. Jesus was a Jew, and look what happened to him. Give the Jews a break already.